We all have that one homie that has taken it to far during a skate trip. Whether that be reeking up the van, ricing super hard on all your extra gear, or always piddle dicking as the last one ready to go at every stop. Far more often than not, the ultimate result of this kind of behavior is that it generally goes unpunished but not unnoticed. This no longer has to be the case with a new method of reckoning proven to straighten any wayward vessel that has been appropriately labeled as a Board Battle. The first record of a battle of this type was documented by the folks at Freakin Rad YouTube Channel which featured two heavy hitters as Iron Man called out Captain America on what can only be assumed as a major “Van Violation” before the duo ended up taking their beef to the hill. Below can be seen the actual footage gathered on at the sight of what has become the ultimate archetype of how a proper Board Battle is to unfold.
Upon viewing the video evidence, there were a few key events that deserve a deeper look into how exactly they pertain to the inevitable non-super human Board Battles that are soon to take place. It was unsettling to us that despite our best Google searches containing all the combinations of key words that may possibly lead us to a governing body or at least a rule book pertaining to this newly raised community of skaters with none of the results holding any relevance. This did not settle well with us so we began to dig deeper into this until finally after pulling a few strings and flashing our press badge once or twice, we here at Wheelbase News were able to acquire an official copy of The Guidelines of a Board Battle from a source that would rather go unnamed. Below can be found a copy of this document in its entirety which outlines the Do’s and Don’t’s of a proper Board Battle. After memorizing the rules of engagement, you are ready to take this to your local crew and begin the process of restoring order amongst the disorderly.
The Guideline of a Board BattleThe Official Rules and Protocol Pertaining to Board Battles when used to settle Community Disputes:
I. The Punishment Must Fit the Crime
-In order to be drawn into a full blown battle, the offender must either commit a heinous act of crust or habitually commit grievances of less offense that equate to an equal level of gnar.
II. Equality Amongst Equipment
– Each member of the dispute must have equal access to a proper shred sled for the chosen terrain featured on the battle ground.
III. Previously Acquired Ammunition ONLY
-The use of self propelled shrapnel is allowed and highly encouraged but all items must be previously rationed prior to beginning of the battle.
IV. Help From the Homies
-Help can be excepted by any strategically positioned homies along the course who can provide aid in any fashion needed by their ally participating in the combat.
V. No Outside Interference
– Although aid is acceptable from third party members present, the interruption of the bout by an action directly against one of the participants is strictly forbidden.
Final Victory is achieved when and only when either the aggressor or the offender surrender due to excess road rash, bone bruises, or a total brake down of morale to continue. Any and all skateboard-able terrain is a suitable arena to host such an event making Board Battles available to any and all genres of skateboarding.