Howdy, and welcome to the hoedown and general jamboree that is the Yeehaw! monthly. Peter Grant Eubank and his crew are rowdy skateboardin’ hillbillies and good friends of us here at Wheelbase. When they posed the idea of doing their brand of a magazine column, we quickly replied with a resounding “YEEHAW!” So pull up a hay bale, tighten yer overall straps, and enjoy the ride.
Top 10 things to do when you can’t skate and your driving around town in your hoopty:
10. Daydream about that new move you can’t quite stick.
9. Ask awkward questions to your passengers. If you’re alone because nobody likes you, just holler stuff out your windows—then drive faster.
8. Text/talk on your phone. Dangerous? Ill-advised? Illegal? Yeah, but sometimes crank-callin’ you buddy’s hot sister is mandatory. Watch out for red lights and hopscotchin’ hobos!
7. Pee in a bottle. It’s more efficient than stopping at Jack in the Box. And it’s way gnarlier than flushing your yellow-rain down the porcelain subway.
6. Be creepily silent like a serial killer in waiting. If you have passengers, they will think you have an ax in the trunk. If you don’t have passengers, you might make yourself think you have an ax in the trunk.
5. While stopped at a red light, make it look like your passenger is assaulting you. If you have no co-pilot, just dance to the “no-music” you have going on in your head, or create music with your mouth. Onlookers will get the picture, and you might achieve a smile from Mr. Smug driving next to you in his Prius.
4. Fist-pump out of your window at random intervals in hopes that a trucker will blow his windy pipe. Woop-woop! If it works, you will be stoked.
3. Pick your nose. Yeah, someone might see ya, but a nose-picker sighting is a real day-maker.
2. Stuff food in your mouth—preferably cheese covered bacon.
1. Make Scat music incessantly, then make your own lyrics to your own music. (See # 5)
Please drive responsibly,