I was browsing on Youtube recently and I came across a lot of videos of dogs riding skateboards. These get heaps of views for some reason. I think there are other animals that would shred a lot harder than a dog. If all animals could skate, which one would shred the hardest, and why? I think it would be a hedgehog cause those things are dope.
Dear Skateboarding Animal Enthusiast,
If you want the honest answer, skateboarding dogs are still holding it down as king of the animal skateboarding community. Not to say that your thought about other animals shredding isn’t on-point, it’s just hard for something like a hedgehog to compete with the sheer athletic ability of a pooch.
Now, since you did write in, I think I should do my best to dig a bit deeper into the history of skate animals and their weaknesses, strengths, and how they compare—blah, blah, blah! But I’m on vacation in Jamaica and could care less about skateboarding animals right now, so I think the easiest way for me to half-ass this and still feel good about myself is to give you some visual representation of some of the different shredding species. The following are in no specific order of Radness.
Here you see the other most popular skate animal, the feline—also known as Rad Cat—winning extra points here for longboard steeze.
What some animals lack in athletic ability they easily make up for in style-points (colloquially known as steeze). Here we have Hammy Hamster reppin’ out the Kansas City Royals and some serious rodent-swag.
Can’t seem to find your inner gangster? Don’t get your feathers all ruffled up—ya just gotta grab a deck and rock some mad cruising-style like this dope little Chickadeezee E.
In the animal kingdom, dogs are superior because they can rock a full-on standup style, but don’t count out the other barking shredder of the wild blue yonder, Seal Boarder. This dude rocks a mean surf style. His laid back attitude and a shimmering smooth coat make this seal a force to be reckoned with.
Also, the Skateguana knows a thing or two about getting shreddy. His nonchalant and super chillaxed approach make him a reptilian-ripper to be reckoned with.
All in all, hopefully this has helped you deal with your crazy obsession with skateboarding animals, and I hope that you realize now that actually riding a skateboard yourself is 1,000 times better than looking at photos or videos of awkwardly positioned animals.
Lastly, to anyone reading this, please don’t ever send me another question about animals riding skateboards. It’s painfully annoying to have to find stupid photos like this, and doubly painful because I’m supposed to be enjoying my Jamaican vacation right now, but instead I’m trapped here in the hotel lobby looking for varmints on the internet.
I’m still your pal though,
GENERAL DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this column are meant to be interpreted satirically and not to be taken too seriously. To all you skaters out there, you’re awesome; please don’t take this shit to heart and then try and track me down in some weird internet-witch-hunt. Do remember, it’s all about fun.
Make sure to send in your advice questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org